Domestic violence - its effects on children: the impact on children and adolescents: information for parents, carers and anyone who works with young people

What is domestic violence?

The term ‘domestic violence’ or domestic abuse is used to describe any incident of threatening behaviour, violence or abuse between adults, who is/has been a family member or living at family home. These may be psychological, physical (including throwing objects), sexual, emotional (includes verbal threats, controlling behaviour) or financial.

Nowadays, abuse can also happen on mobile phones, on the internet and social networking sites.

Although a man abusing a woman is recognised more often, the adults may be of either gender or any sexuality. It can happen in any class, religion, race, occupation or age.

It is common thinking that alcohol and mental illness can cause person to be violent. Alcohol does not cause domestic violence, but there is evidence that where domestic violence exists, alcohol is often present. Most people who are mentally ill are not violent.

Anyone can be a victim of domestic violence. Children, even pets can be affected. People with mental illness are more likely to be victims of violence.

How are children involved?

In relationships where there is domestic violence, children witness about three-quarters of the abusive incidents. About half the children in these families have themselves been badly hit or beaten. Sexual and emotional abuse is also more likely to happen in these families.

Children who have witnessed violence are more likely to be either abusers or victims themselves. Children tend to copy the behaviour of their parents. Boys learn from their fathers to be violent to women. Girls learn from their mothers that violence is to be expected, and something you just have to put up with.

Open communication about the problem is helpful rather than trying to hide the problem. Children are able to cope better and recover when they get the right help and support, for example from other family members, peers, school. Some children would find it helpful to speak to a professional (like trained counsellors).

It is not uncommon for victims of domestic violence to take a long time to recognise what is happening. Even when they do, it can feel extremely difficult to take any action about it. Speaking to someone whom you can trust or professional can help you in this process.

Professionals including doctors, nurses, teachers and social workers should be able to talk to you and your child and offer the help and advice needed. In some areas local domestic violence support may be available.

Remember it is important to keep yourself and children safe. Asking help early and when in crisis is important. Domestic violence is a crime, when required you should call the police.

In long term, practical help may be needed from professionals like social workers or solicitors. They will be able to help with finding a place to live, dealing with money problems, and making contact and school arrangements for the children.

"It’s only in the last year or so that I began to think that a family could be a good place to be…a home”. I’m the eldest, and I took a lot of my Dad’s fury – or just being pissed which is what it often was. I know my Mum wasn’t always a saint – she could really wind him up - in fact she does it to me sometimes and then I get terrified that I’ll react like him.

Anyway sometimes they would just argue and shout, but then I’d seen what he could do when he loses it. I had to take Mum to hospital once and it was just horrible. In fact I remember being amazed how she looked almost normal when they’d cleaned her up. But seeing it or even worse just hearing it was … don’t know ... I couldn’t bear it, and I wanted to kill him. I couldn’t I know – even if I was strong enough – so I just used to hold on to the little ones and sort of hide with them till it was over.

But it did get so difficult. I didn’t want to go home after school, so I’d stay out late sometimes with my mates. Then my Mum started saying I was just like him. That was the worst time ever.

One day my mum spoke to someone on a helpline. After that, they had a big row and then he left home. Things sort of calmed down, but I was still scared that he would come back or I’d be like him. Then we had this counsellor who talked to my Mum, and me and my sisters together. Somehow it all began to seem better and I felt it was possible to move on."

"Mum always shouted a lot and would get really angry with us. Not all the time though. Sometimes she’d give us cuddles, play with us, buy us things. But when she got angry sometimes she’d hit us.

One time she hit my brother so hard that he had bruises and couldn’t sit down. Sometimes she pulled my hair. She’d break things and throw things at us when she was angry. Once she’d hit me and knocked me over, I cut my head, there was a lot of blood – she got upset and took me to hospital. She told me to tell the doctors I’d been fighting.

A few times we went to the doctor's and had to tell them we’d hurt ourselves playing when really mum had hit us. We were both scared of her at times because we never knew when she’d get angry. My brother was always really quiet, he didn’t like to upset her – his teachers thought he was depressed. I tried to run away but was scared to leave her – she seemed so sad and I was worried about leaving my brother on his own.

Mum said if we told anyone the social workers would take us away. She said she’d stop hitting us. My PE teacher found out about it, she was really nice. She noticed the bruises on my arms and legs – I didn’t tell her right away but when I did she said she needed to make sure me and my brother were safe. She told a social worker – mum was angry at first but then just cried. The social worker didn’t take us away – they helped mum and talked to me and my brother; our social worker is really nice and takes us out. I’m glad someone found out."

Childline - Free, confidential helpline dedicated to children and young people: tel: 0800 1111.

NSPCC - The NSPCC Helpline provides advice and support to adults who are concerned about the safety or welfare of a child. the NSPCC Helpline on 0808 800 5000.

Respect - UK membership association for domestic violence perpetrator programmes and associated support services. Helpline for perpetrators: Call 0808 802 4040 (free from landlines and most mobiles).

The Hideout - Women's Aid have created this space to help children and young people to understand domestic abuse, and how to take positive.

The Samaritans - Provide a 24-hour service offering confidential emotional support to anyone who is in crisis. Helpline 08457 909090 (UK), 1850 609090 (ROI); e-mail: jo@samaritans.org

Victim Support - Gives free and confidential help to victims of crime, witnesses, their family, friends and anyone else affected across England and Wales. Support line: 0845 30 30 900.

Women’s Aid - National charity working to end domestic violence against women and children.

• Grasping the nettle: alcohol and domestic violence, Revised edition, 2010, Sarah Galvani, University of Bedfordshire, Factsheet, Alcohol Concern. 
• A Review of Literature on Effective Interventions that Prevent and Respond to Harm Against Adults, Scottish executive, 2007. 
• Improving safety, reducing harm: children, young people and domestic violence; A practical toolkit for frontline practitioners.Department of Health, 2009.
• Asian Women Domestic Violence and Mental Health Toolkit, 2009. 
• Rutter, M. & Taylor, E. (eds) (2008) 'Rutter’s Child and Adolescent Psychiatry' (5th edn). London: Blackwell Publishing.

Revised by the Royal College of Psychiatrists’ Child and Family Public Education Editorial Board.

Series Editor: Dr Vasu Balaguru

This leaflet reflects the best possible evidence at the time of writing.

© March 2012.  Due for review March 2014. Royal College of Psychiatrists.