Dealing with tantrums: for parents, carers and anyone who
works with young people
About this factsheet
This is one in a series of factsheets for parents, teachers
and young people entitled Mental Health and Growing Up.
The aims of these factsheets are to provide practical, up-to-date
information about mental health problems (emotional, behavioural
and psychiatric disorders) that can affect children and young
people. This factsheet looks at the reasons behind why children
have tantrums and gives practical advice about how to deal with
them.
Introduction
It is important for adults to understand that between the ages
of one and four years, most children have tantrums.
All toddlers want to do things for themselves. They want to
dress themselves, feed themselves, pour their own juice and
generally be more independent. They can get very upset if they find
that they can't do what they are trying to do or if their
parent/carer stops them. This upset can lead to a tantrum.
How can I cope with tantrums?
Your child's screams and yells can be alarming. You may feel
angry and will almost certainly be embarrassed in front of other
people. But remember, children learning to deal with their emotions
is a normal part of growing up.
During the tantrum
Don't panic
The main thing to do is to stay calm and not to get upset
yourself. Just remind yourself that this is normal, that lots of
parents have do deal with it, and that you will too.
Try to distract them
If you are in a situation where you know a tantrum is likely,
you may be able to avoid one by distracting your child; e.g. point
out the big red sports car in the road, laugh at the funny picture
in the shop display or give them their favourite toy to play
with.
Remember what you are trying to do
Ignore the tantrum
You should calmly continue with whatever you are doing -
chatting to someone else, packing your shopping or whatever. Every
so often check to make sure your child is safe. Ignoring your child
is very hard, but if you answer back, or even smack them, you are
giving them the attention they are demanding.
Pay attention to any good behaviour
As soon as you see any signs of calming down, e.g. they stop
screaming, praise them. Turn your full attention back to the child,
talk to them with warmth and admiration. If you reward the new
behaviour like this, your child is more likely to stay calm and
carry on being good.
Tips for avoiding tantrums
Tantrums often happen in predictable situations. Children find
it hard to wait. Make it easier for them by:
- taking their favourite books and toys to the doctor's
surgery
- storing their favourite biscuits out of sight, rather than
where they can see them
- sticking to your rules.
Your child may be particularly difficult at certain times of
the day - perhaps when they are tired or hungry. Simple
arrangements may help. They could:
- have an afternoon nap, instead of staying awake all day
- have a snack after nursery at 3.30 p.m., instead of having to
wait until 5.00 p.m. for tea.
Where can I get help?
It is often very helpful to talk to other parents or friends.
If this doesn't help and if the tantrums are getting you down, it
may be worth having a chat with your health visitor or general
practitioner. They will be able to give advice or suggest more
specialist help.
References
- Carr, A. (ed.) (2000)' What Works with Children and
Adolescents?' - A Critical Review of Psychological Interventions
with Children, Adolescents and their Families. London:
Brunner-Routledge.
- Rutter, M. & Taylor, E. (eds) (2002) 'Child and
Adolescent Psychiatry' (4th edn). London: Blackwell.
- Scott, A., Shaw, M. & Joughin, C. (2001) 'Finding the
Evidence' - A Gateway to the Literature in Child and Adolescent
Mental Health (2nd edn). London: Gaskell.
Sources of further information
- Green, C (2003) 'New Toddler Taming' - A Parent's Guide to
the First Four Years. London: Vermilion.
- The National Society for the
Prevention of Cruelty to Children (NSPCC) produces
helpful information for parents and carers. Newpin (New Parent
Information Network) offers support to parents with
babies and toddlers; tel: 020 7358 5900.
- www.incredibleyears.com
is an American website with research-based and effective programmes
for reducing children's aggression and behaviour and increasing
their social skills.
- The Mental Health and Growing Up series contains 36
factsheets on a range of common mental health problems. To order
the pack contact Book Sales at the Royal College of Psychiatrists,
17 Belgrave Square, London SW1X 8PG; tel. 020 7235 2351, ext. 146;
fax 020 7245 1231; e-mail: booksales@rcpsych.ac.uk, or
you can download them from this website.
© 2004
Royal College of Psychiatrists. These factsheets may be photocopied
and distributed free of charge as long as the Royal College of
Psychiatrists is properly credited and no profit is gained from
their use. They must be reproduced in their entirety without
alteration. Permission to reproduce in print or to repost on the
web must be obtained from the Head of Publications.
Please note that we are unable to offer advice on individual cases. Please see our FAQ for advice on getting help.
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