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Surviving Adolescence - a toolkit for parents
About this leaflet
The teenage years can be an emotional assault course for all
concerned. A gulf can grow between parents and their children
during adolescence. Why do so many of us find it so hard? It's a
time of rapid physical development and deep emotional changes.
These are exciting, but can also be confusing and uncomfortable for
child and parent alike. This leaflet is mainly for the parents of
teenagers and, perhaps, the grandparents of teenagers. We hope that
some teenagers might also enjoy reading it. This leaflet gives
information about the process of adolescence, the upheavals it can
cause, some of the problems that arise, and ways in which they can
be managed.
Hormones, Timing and Changes
Physical
- The process of rapid physical changes in adolescence is called
puberty. It starts gradually, from around eleven years for girls
and thirteen for boys. The age at which puberty starts has been
dropping in most countries, probably due to better nutrition. So,
your children may hit puberty earlier than you did. The hormone
changes responsible actually begin some years earlier and may
produce periods of moodiness and restlessness. Girls start these
changes before boys and will, for the first three or four years,
appear to be maturing much faster. After this, boys catch up.
- These changes include:
For girls: menstrual periods, growth of under-arm, body
and pubic hair.
For boys: voice breaks (becomes deeper), growth of body
and pubic hair, facial hair, erections and wet dreams. For both:
Rapid physical growth.
- By the age of 17, they'll be young men and women who may be
bigger than their parents and capable of having children
themselves. In spite of this, they often still need support from
you.
- It is not surprising that, with the speed of these changes,
some adolescents become very concerned about their appearance. They
may need a lot of reassurance, especially if they are not growing
or maturing as quickly as their friends.
- They and their parents may worry less if they remember that
there's a lot of difference in the ages at which these changes
occur.
- Growth and development uses a lot of energy, and this may be
why teenagers often seem to need so much sleep. Their getting-up
late may be irritating, but it may well not be just laziness.
Psychological
- As well as growing taller, starting to shave or having periods,
people of this age start to think and feel differently. They make
close relationships outside the family, with friends of their own
age. Relationships within the family also change. Parents become
less important in their children's eyes as their life outside the
family develops.
- Real disagreements emerge for the first time as young people
develop views of their own that are often not shared by their
parents. · As everybody knows, adolescents spend a lot of time in
each other's company, or on the telephone to each other. Although
this can be irritating to parents, it is an important way of
becoming more independent. These friendships are part of learning
how to get on with other people and gaining a sense of identity
that is distinct from that of the family. Clothes and appearance
are a way of expressing solidarity with friends, although teenage
children are still more likely to get their values from the
family.
- Parents often feel rejected, and in a sense they are. But this
is often necessary for young people to develop their own identity.
Even if you have rows and arguments, your children will usually
think a lot of you. The rejections and conflicts are often not to
do with your personalities, but simply with the fact that you are
parents, from whom your children must become independent if they
are to have their own life. · As they become more independent,
young people want to try out new things, but often recognise that
they have little experience to fall back on when things get
difficult. This may produce rapid changes in self-confidence and
behaviour - feeling very adult one minute, very young and
inexperienced the next.
- Being upset, feeling ill or lacking confidence can make them
feel vulnerable. They may show this with sulky behaviour rather
than obvious distress. Parents have to be pretty flexible to deal
with all this, and may feel under considerable strain
themselves.
- Adolescence is the time when people first start in earnest to
learn about the world and to find their place in it. This involves
trying out new experiences, some of which may be risky or even
dangerous.
- Young people can crave excitement in a way that most adults
find difficult to understand - and exciting activities may be
dangerous. Fortunately, most people manage to find their excitement
in music, sport, or other activities that involve a lot of energy
but little real physical risk.
- When they do experiment - with drink or drugs or smoking - it
is usually with friends. If a young person does this alone, they
are in much greater danger. Warnings from older adolescents will
usually be taken more seriously than those from parents.
Emotional Problems
- Over-eating, excessive sleepiness and a persistent over-concern
with appearance may be signs of emotional distress.
- Anxiety may produce phobias and panic attacks. · Recent
research suggests that emotional disorders are often not
recognised, even by family and friends.
Depression
- At some time, 4 out of 10 adolescents have felt so miserable
that they have cried and have wanted to get away from everyone and
everything.
- During their adolescence, more than 1 in 5 teenagers think so
little of themselves that life does not seem worth living. In spite
of these powerful feelings, depression may not be obvious to other
people.
Sexual Problems
- The dramatic physical changes of adolescence can be very
worrying to some teenagers, especially to those who are shy and who
don't like to ask questions. At the other end of the scale, some
express their concern with excessive bragging about sexual ability
and experiences.
- More than half of young people in the UK will have had their
first experience of sex before the age of 16 and so the risk of
pregnancy is a significant part of adolescent life.
- The age of consent for both heterosexual and homosexual
intercourse is 16 in England, Scotland and Wales, 17 in N. Ireland.
It is illegal to have sex if either partner is under this age, even
if they give consent.
- Those who start having sex early are at greater risk of early
pregnancy and health problems. Sexually transmitted diseases are
common. HIV infection and AIDS are becoming more common.
- Crushes on someone of the same sex are common in adolescence.
Some go on to be gay, most don't.
- Some young people (and their parents) will not be sure whether
they are gay or straight.
- Sensitive support, clear guidance and accurate information
about these different aspects of sex are essential - from parents,
schools, family doctors, and family planning clinics.
- Most adolescents choose their partners quite carefully.
Sleeping around and risky unprotected intercourse are often signs
of underlying emotional problems. They may also be the signs of a
risk-taking lifestyle - adolescents who take risks in one way tend
to take risks in other ways as well.
- Recent research suggests that girls who are close to their
parents are less likely to become pregnant in their teenage
years.
- Teenagers can get confidential advice on contraception from
their GP, who does not have to inform their parents. Emergency
contraception from pharmacies is only available to those aged 16 or
over.
Behaviour Problems
- Teenagers and their parents complain about each other's
behaviour. Parents often feel they have lost any sort of control or
influence over their child. Adolescents want their parents to be
clear and consistent about rules and boundaries, but at the same
time may resent any restrictions on their growing freedom and
ability to decide for themselves.
- If disagreements are common and normal, when should you worry?
Experience suggests that children are at greater risk of getting
into trouble if their parents don't know where they are. So, try to
make sure that you know where they are going and what they are up
to. If you really don't know, you need to find out.
School Problems
- Refusal to go to school can be due to:
- Difficulties in separating from parents.
- Being perfectionist, and becoming depressed because they can't
do as well as they would want to.
- Disturbed family life, with early separation from or death of
parent.
- An established pattern
- it may have happened at primary school. Such children often
have physical symptoms such as headache or stomach-ache.
- Those who go to school, but then play truant, are usually
unhappy at home and frustrated at school. They prefer to spend
their days with others who feel the same way.
- Emotional problems will often affect school work - worry about
oneself, or about what is going on at home, makes it difficult to
concentrate. Pressure to do well and to pass exams may come from
parents or teachers, but adolescents usually want to do well and
will push themselves. Excessive nagging can be counter-productive.
Exams are important, but they should not be allowed to dominate
life or to cause unhappiness.
- Bullying can cause all of the above. Around 1 in 10 secondary
school children is bullied at some point, about 1 in 20 is bullied
every week. Short children are more likely to be bullied. If you
are worried that this is happening, talk to the school to make sure
that they enforce their bullying policy.
Trouble with the law
- Most young people do not break the law, but those who do are
usually boys. When they do, it usually only happens once.
- If a parent doesn't feel that breaking the law is particularly
important, it is more likely that their children will offend.
- Unhappiness or distress can also lead to behaviour that will
get them into trouble with the police. It is always worth asking
about such feelings if an adolescent is repeatedly getting into
trouble
Eating problems
- Weight can be a real problem. If an adolescent is overweight
and is criticised or made fun of, they are more likely to dislike
themselves and to become depressed. This can lead to inactivity and
comfort eating, which worsens the weight problem - dieting can
actually aggravate the situation. It is more important to ensure
that they feel happy with themselves, fat or thin.
- Many adolescents diet. Fortunately, few will develop serious
eating disorders - only around 1 in 100 teenagers develop anorexia,
1 in 50 have bulimia. However, these are more likely to occur in
those who take up serious dieting, think very little of themselves,
are under stress and who have been over-weight as a child.
Drugs, solvents and alcohol
- Many teenagers experiment with alcohol and illegal drugs.
Around 1 in 3 of 15 year olds in England have used drugs at some
time .
- Regular use of drugs or alcohol is much less common. Less than
1 in 100 of 11-12 year olds are regular users, but this increases
to 1 in 6 of 15 year olds.
- Although cannabis has been widely felt to be relatively
harmless, there is now good evidence that it can make mental health
problems worse in adolescence and can double the risk of developing
schizophrenia.
- Despite publicity about other drugs, alcohol is the most common
drug to cause problems for adolescents.
- You should consider the possibility of drug or alcohol use when
you notice sudden or dramatic changes in behaviour.
- Find out about any drugs your children may be using - see the
telephone and web resources at the end of the leaflet.
- What if they ask about the drugs you used to use in your
younger days? Honesty is generally the best policy, although it is
probably worth stressing the differences in drugs available now.
For example, much of the cannabis available today is many times
stronger than was available 20 years ago, and we now know a lot
more about its risks to both physical and mental health.
Abuse
- Physical, emotional and sexual abuse may occur in adolescence
and may cause many of the problems mentioned above.
- Children or teenagers who are being abused can find someone to
talk to at ChildLine.
- Families with these problems need expert advice and should seek
help. The list of organisations at the end of this leaflet may be
able to point you in the right direction.
Mental Illness
Much less often, changes in behaviour and mood can mark the
beginning of more serious psychiatric disorders. Although uncommon,
manic depression and schizophrenia may emerge for the first time
during adolescent years. Extreme withdrawal may indicate
schizophrenia, though there are usually other explanations for such
behaviour. Parents who are concerned about these possibilities
should ask to see their family doctor.
Parental shock ……
It can be surprisingly upsetting when your child has their first
serious relationship, or you find out that they have started to
have sex. For the first time in your life together, you are not the
most important person to them. The sense of shock will pass, but
you may need a while to adjust to the new state of affairs.
The Good News
- Adolescence has had a bad press. However, recent studies have
shown that most teenagers actually like their parents and feel that
they get on well with them. It is a time when the process of
growing up can help people to make positive changes, and to put the
problems of the past behind them.
- It is not just a difficult stage, although it can feel very
much like it at times. The anxiety experienced by parents is more
than matched by the periods of uncertainty, turmoil and unhappiness
experienced by the adolescent.
- Difficult times come and go, but most adolescents don't develop
serious problems. It's worth remembering this when things are
difficult.
- Parents may sometimes start to feel that they have failed.
However, whatever may be said in the heat of the moment, they play
a crucial part in their children's lives. Helping your children
grow through adolescence can be profoundly satisfying.
Top Tips
Don't be jealous
The good times and opportunities that adolescent children have may
well make you feel very middle-aged. Their physical strength is
increasing at a time that yours may well be waning. Jealousy can be
the hidden fuel for all sorts of arguments and trouble.
Make your home a safe base
Adolescent children are exploring life, but need a base to come
back to. Home should be somewhere they feel safe to come back to,
where they will be protected, cared for and taken seriously.
Mutual support
Parents need to:
- Agree between themselves about their basic values and
rules.
- Support each other in applying them.
It's difficult for a teenager to respect parents who are always
at each other's throats or undermining each other. A common trap is
for one parent to ally themselves with their child against the
other parent. This usually leads to constant trouble.
Easy Listening
Adults need to be a source of advice, sympathy and comfort. A
teenager needs to know that his or her parents will not
automatically jump down their throat with a judgement, a criticism
or routine advice. Listening comes first.
Rules
However fast they may be growing up, you are your children's
providers and it is reasonable that you should decide what the
ground rules are. Whilst adolescents may protest, sensible rules
can be the basis for security and agreement. They must be:
- Clear, so everybody knows where they stand.
- Where possible, they should be agreed with the children.
- Consistent, so everyone sticks to them.
- Reasonable.
- Less restrictive as children become more responsible.
- You can't (and shouldn't) have rules for everything. While some
issues will not be negotiable, there should be room for bargaining
on others.
Sanctions, such as grounding or loss of pocket money, will only
work if they are established in advance. Don't threaten these if
you are not willing to carry them out.
Rewards for behaving well are just as important - probably more
important, in fact.
Managing disagreements
Involve your children in making family rules - like all of us, they
are more likely to stick to rules if they can see some logic to
them and have helped to make them. If a teenager is reluctant to
discuss rules for him or herself, they may still do this if they
can see that it might be helpful for younger brothers or sisters.
If they don't want to get involved, they will just have to put up
with the rules you decide on.
Parents should pick their battles. A lot of things adolescents
do are irritating (as you probably irritate them), but not all are
worth an argument. It's usually better to spend time on praising
good decisions or behaviour. Most annoying habits will burn
themselves out once parents stop reacting to them.
Don't use corporal (physical)
punishment
Although it is now viewed as unhelpful, many people still
occasionally smack younger children. If you do this with adolescent
children:
- You create the impression that violence is an acceptable way to
solve difficulties. This means that they are more likely to grow up
to use violence as adults.
- You can get stuck in a cycle of violence - you hit them, they
hit you back (because they are now big enough), you hit them again
and so on.
Set the example
Although they are becoming more independent, your children will
still learn a lot about how to behave from you. If you don't want
them to swear, don't swear yourself. If you don't want them to get
drunk, don't get drunk yourself. If you don't want them to be
violent, don't use violence yourself. If you want them to be kind
and generous to other people ….. try to be like this yourself. “Do
as I say, not as I do” just won't work.
Gratitude
Don't worry if your children aren't as grateful as you' like. It's
great if they are, but they may not be until they have children of
their own and realise how demanding it can be.
When all else fails - Getting Help
- Sometimes, all of this may not be enough and you (or your
child) may be unable to cope. Worries about the physical changes of
adolescence - are they too early, too late or ever going to happen
- or about relationships can be discussed with the family
doctor.
- If there is violence in your family - parents hitting one
another, children hitting each other, parents hitting children or
children hitting parents - ask for help.
- When problems arise at school, obviously teachers may be a
useful source of information. The teacher may suggest that an
educational psychologist becomes involved. Psychologists can find
out if there are any particular problems with learning, but can
also offer counselling if relationships are the issue.
- Adolescents who experience turmoil or distress for more than a
few months - persistent depression, anxiety, serious eating
disorders or difficult behaviour - generally require outside help.
Counselling agencies may be suitable if things have not gone too
far. They exist for young people and for parents and some contact
addresses are listed below.
- However, specialist help may be needed from the Child and
Adolescent Mental Health Services. They mainly offer out-patient
treatment and can be contacted through your family doctor. As they
grow older, your children will want more privacy. Adolescents may,
quite naturally, wish to see the doctor on their own. The law
allows them to agree their own treatment from the age of 16, or
younger under certain circumstances.
Useful addresses, telephone numbers and websites:
Brook provides a free and
confidential sexual, health advice and contraception by young
people up to the age of 25. Helpline: 0800 0185 023.
ChildLine provides a
free and confidential service for children. Helpline 0800
1111.
Kidscape provides
advice, run training course and produce helpful booklets and
information about bullying. 2 Grosvenor Gardens, London SW1W 0DH;
tel: 020 7730 3300.
Parentline offers
help and advice to parents bringing up children and teenagers.
Helpline 0808 800 2222; textphone 0800 783 6783.
Rethink offers help to
people with severe mental illness (not only schizophrenia) and
their carers. 30 Tabernacle Street, London EC2A 4DD; national
advice line 020 8974 6814; e-mail: advice@rethink.org.
The Samaritans provides a
24-hour service offering confidential emotional support to anyone
who is in a crisis. Helpline 08475 909090 (UK); 1850 609090 (ROI);
e-mail: jo@samaritans.org.
Trust for the Study of
Adolescence produces materials, such as books and
audio tapes, for parents about common problems in adolescence. 23
New Road, Brighton, BN1 1WZ. Tel: 01273 693311 Fax: 01273
67990.
for any adult concerned about the emotions or behaviour of a
child or young person. Young Mins offer information and
professional advice, via a telephone or email service - contact
0800 018 2138 or parents@youngminds.org.uk.
Website which focuses on how to handle teenage behaviour and
build a positive parent/teem relationship.
References
- Drug use, smoking and drinking among young teenagers in 1999.
ONS 2000: London; www.statistics.gov.uk/pdfdir/drugs0500.pdf
- Salmon G. Bullying in schools: self reported anxiety,
depression, and self esteem in secondary school pupils. British
Medical Journal 1998; 317:924 -5.
- Fairburn, C.G. & Harrison, P.J. (2003). Eating disorders.
The Lancet, 361, 407 - 416
- L Atkinson, B Quarrington, JJ Cyr and FV Atkinson. Differential
classification in school refusal. British Journal of Psychiatry,
Aug 1989; 155: 191 - 195
- Guidance For Youth Workers On Providing Information And
Referring Young People To Contraceptive And Sexual Health Services.
Teenage Pregnancy Unit 2003
- Hall, D. & Lynch M (1998) Violence begins at home BMJ
1998;316:1551-1560
- Rey, J., Sawyer, M., Raphael, B., Patton, G And Lynskey, M
Mental health of teenagers who use cannabis: Results of an
Australian survey. British Journal of Psychiatry, Mar 2002; 180:
216 – 221
- Arseneault, L., Cannon,M., Witton R, and Murray RM. Causal
association between cannabis and psychosis: examination of the
evidence. British Journal of Psychiatry, Feb 2004; 184: 110 -
117
- Forrest, J.D. Timing of reproductive life stages. Obstetrics
and Gynaecology 82(1): 105 - 111. Jul. 1993.
 The
Royal College of Psychiatrists also produces a series of 36
factsheets, 'Mental Health and Growing Up', which provide
practical, up-to-date information for parents, teachers and young
people about mental health problems (emotional, behavioural and
psychiatric disorders) that affect children and young people.
www.rcpsych.ac.uk/info/mhgu/
© [2004] Revised March 2009.
Royal College of Psychiatrists. This factsheet may be
downloaded, printed out, photocopied and distributed free of charge
as long as the Royal College of Psychiatrists is properly credited
and no profit is gained from its use. Permission to reproduce it in
any other way must be obtained from the Head of Publications. The College
does not allow reposting of its factsheets on other sites, but
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