Divorce or separation of parents - the impact
on children and adolescents: information for parents,
carers and anyone who works with young people
About this factsheet
This is one in a series of factsheets for
parents, teachers and young people entitled Mental Health and
Growing Up. The aims of these factsheets are to provide
practical, up-to-date information about mental health problems
(emotional, behavioural and psychiatric disorders) that can affect
children and young people. This factsheet looks at the effect that
divorce or separation of parents might have on children and young
people, and offers practical advice on how to ease this.
Introduction
Over half of couples divorcing in the UK in
2007 had at least one child aged under 16. This meant that
there were over 110,000 children who were aged under 16 when
their parents divorced. 20% of these children were under 5 years
old. However, many more children go through parental separation
each year that are not included in figures like this, as their
parents were not married.
When parents no longer love each other and
decide to live apart, a child can feel as if their world has been
turned upside down. The level of upset the child feels can vary
depending on how their parents separated, the age of the child, how
much they understand, and the support they get from parents, family
and friends.
How are children affected?
A child may feel:
- a sense of loss - separation from a parent can mean you lose
not only your home, but your whole way of life
- different, with an unfamiliar family
- fearful about being left alone - if one parent can go, perhaps
the other will do the same
- angry at one or both parents for the relationship
breakdown
- worried about having caused the parental separation:
guilty
- rejected and insecure
- torn between both parents.
These feelings are often made worse by the
fact that many children have to move home and sometimes school when
parents separate, and most families in this situation come under
some financial strain, even if they did not have money worries
before.
Even if the parental relationship had been
very tense or violent, children may still have mixed feelings about
the separation. Many children hold onto a wish that their parents
may get back together.
It is important not to pull your child into
the conflict. The following tips may be useful.
Dont':
- ask your child to take sides: `Who would you
like to live with, darling?'
- ask your child what the other parent is doing
- use your child 'as a weapon' to get back at your
ex-partner
- criticise your ex-partner
- expect your child to take on the role of your ex-partner.
Whatever has gone wrong in the relationship,
both parents still have a very important part to play in their
child's life.
Emotional and behavioural problems
Emotional and behavioural problems in children
are more common when their parents are fighting or separating.
Children can become very insecure. Insecurity can cause children to
behave like they are much younger and therefore bedwetting,
'clinginess', nightmares, worries or disobedience can all occur.
This behaviour often happens before or after visits to the parent
who is living apart from the family. Teenagers may show their
distress by misbehaving or withdrawing into themselves. They may
find it difficult to concentrate at school.
What can I do to help?
Parents who are separating can help their
children. They should:
- make sure that the children know they still have two parents
who love them, and will continue to care for them;
- protect their children from adult worries and
responsibilities;
- make it clear that the responsibility for what is happening is
the parents' - and not the childrens'.
These things will help your child:
- Be open and talk. Your child not only needs to know what is
going on, but needs to feel that it's OK to ask questions.
- Reassure them that they will still be loved and cared for by
both parents.
- Make time to spend with your child.
- Be reliable about arrangements to see your child.
- Show that you are interested in your child's views, but make it
clear that parents are responsible for the decisions.
- Carry on with the usual activities and routines, like seeing
friends and members of the extended family.
- Make as few changes as possible. This will help your child feel
that, in spite of the difficulties, loved ones still care about
them and that life can be reasonably normal.
If you are finding it difficult to help your
child cope, you may want to seek outside help. Your general
practitioner will be able to offer support and advice. Some
families may need specialist help from the local child and adolescent mental health
service. However, if managed sensitively, most
children can adapt well to their new circumstances and do not have
difficulties in the longer term.
References
-
The Mind: A User's Guide: Editor Raj Persaud,
Bantam Press, 2007.
-
The Young Mind: An essential guide to mental health
for young adults, parents and teachers, Bantam Press, 2009.
- Carr, A. (ed.) (2000) 'What Works with Children and
Adolescents?' A Critical Review of Psychological Interventions with
Children, Adolescents and their Families. London:
Brunner-Routledge.
- Rutter, M. & Taylor, E. (eds) (2002) 'Child and
Adolescent Psychiatry' (4th edn). London: Blackwell.
Sources of further information
- The Children's
Society produces a series of leaflets for children and
parents.
- Citizens Advice
Bureaux Your local branch is listed in the telephone
directory.
- Divorce Aid is one of
the UK's largest websites on divorce. Run by an independant group
of professionals it provides advice, support and information on all
aspects of divorce. It has specialised sections for both young
childrens and teenagers, enabling them to recognise and deal with
emotions that arise from seperation and divorce.
- The Money
Advice Service - information and advice on the
financial aspects of divorce, separation or civil partnership
dissolution, including an interactive calculator to help manage
finances, work put what you have and owe, and consider how you
might split what you have.
- National Family
Mediation is an organisation specifically set up to
help families who are separating. It has a useful booklist, which
includes books for children of different ages.
- Parentline offers
help and advice to parents on bringing up children and
teenagers.
- Relate helps
couples with relationship difficulties.
- Young
Minds Parents Helpline for any adult concerned about
the emotions and behaviour of a child or young person. They offer
information and professional advice, via telephone and email -
contact 0800 018 2138 or parents@youngminds.org.uk
- Or check out this website designed for children: www.itsnotyourfault.org.
- The Mental Health and Growing Up series contains 36
factsheets on a range of common mental health problems. To order
the pack, contact Book Sales at the Royal College of Psychiatrists,
17 Belgrave Square, London SW1X 8PG; tel: 020 7235 2351, ext. 146;
fax: 020 7245 1231; e-mail: booksales@rcpsych.ac.uk or you
can download them from this website.
© Revised November 2009. Due for Review November
2011. Royal College of Psychiatrists. This factsheet
may be downloaded, printed out, photocopied and distributed free of
charge as long as the Royal College of Psychiatrists is properly
credited and no profit is gained from its use. Permission to
reproduce it in any other way must be obtained from the Head of Publications. The College
does not allow reposting of its factsheets on other sites, but
allows them to be linked to directly.
Please note that we are unable to offer advice on individual cases. Please see our FAQ for advice on getting help.
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