Good Parenting: information for parents, carers and
anyone who works with young people
About this factsheet
This is one in a series of factsheets for
parents, teachers and young people entitled Mental Health and
Growing Up. The aims of these factsheets are to provide
practical, up-to-date information about mental health problems
(emotional, behavioural and psychiatric disorders) that can affect
children and young people. This factsheet looks at the reasons
behind why it is important to use good parenting skills from an
early age. It also gives practical tips on some of the best ways to
discipline a child, while maintaining a happy, healthy relationship
with them.
Introduction
Parenting is an important part of loving and
caring for your child. Good parenting is about providing a warm,
secure home life, helping your child to learn the rules of life
(e.g. how to share, respect others, etc.) and to develop good
self-esteem. You may have to stop them from doing things they
shouldn't be doing, but it is just as important to encourage them
to do the things you do want them to do.
Why is parenting important?
Setting limits (rules) are an important part
of everyday life. They make it possible for us to get along with
one another. If children do not learn how to behave, they will find
it difficult to get on, both with grown-ups and with other
children. They will find it hard to learn at school, will misbehave
and will probably become unhappy and frustrated.
What helps?
It is important to make sure that children
feel secure, loved and valued, and that all adults looking after
them notice when they are behaving well. The trick to this is to
find strategies that work well for you and your child. Here are
some ideas:
Try to say the same thing each time. Be clear
about the rules you want to stick to. If you don't stick to the
rules and give in, then the next time you try to set limits your
child is likely to play up even more because they have learnt that
you will probably give in again.
Let your child know when they have done
something well and when you are pleased with them. Be specific so
that the child knows which behaviour you are wanting to encourage.
For example, give them a hug/a kiss, tell them how great they are
doing and point out the good behaviour. You need to do this
straight away at the time when you see the behaviour you want to
encourage.
It helps if you and your child know the rules
for particular situations before they happen. Don't make them up as
you go along (e.g. if bedtime is 7.00 p.m., make sure you both
stick to it).
Sit down with your child and talk to them
about good behaviour. You might be surprised about how much you
both agree on.
This can be difficult in the heat of the
moment, but it does help if you can be calm and clear with the
words you use, for example “please switch off the TV” or “it's
bedtime”.
For example “please put your toys away” tells
your child exactly what you want them to do. Simply telling them to
“be good” will not help them know what behaviour you are expecting.
If your child can't understand you, they can't co-operate with you.
So it is best to keep instructions brief and positive.
It's no good promising a wonderful reward or
threatening to remove their favourite activity if you can’t keep to
your word. It is much better to offer small rewards rather than
punishments. For example “when you have tidied your room, you can
have an ice cream”. Don't expect too much too soon. Change usually
takes time. For this reason expect to progress in small steps. So
if your child has started to or partly tidied their room, praise
them for what they have done “well done for putting those toys in
the box”.
The importance of your relationship
Everybody can at times feel cross and upset.
It is helpful if you do spend some time together doing nice things.
It is easier to do this if it is already a part of your everyday
life. So try to plan for some good times together every day or most
days. For example, you could plan to play a game, read together or
cook with your child for 10 minutes.
How can it go wrong?
Your own experience of childhood is very
important. Even if you want to do things differently from your own
experience, you may find yourself doing the same with your own
children. Or you find that you are doing the opposite! It is
helpful if you can aim to be as clear and consistent as you can
be.
If parents disagree about rules and their
expectations for their children, the children may get mixed up
because they don't know what they are expected to do. They may find
that if they ask each parent/carer the same question they get
different answers. So whether parents are together or living in
different homes, it is important, as far as possible, that everyone
who cares for the child agrees on the most important matters and
the behaviours they want to encourage their children to do.
Parenting can be hard work, both physically
and emotionally. It's easy to let things slip if you are stressed,
depressed, tired, very busy or don't have any help looking after
your children. Without consistent encouragement and expectations,
children may get in to bad habits with their behaviour.
Where can I get help?
Talking problems over with other parents or
friends is often useful. Talk to your child's teachers, as there
may be a similar problem at school. It will help your child if you
and the teachers can work together to agree on how to tackle the
problem. Changing a child's behaviour can be a slow process, but it
can be done.
You can ask your health visitor, school or
practice nurse for advice. Some parents/carers may find attending
their local family centre or joining a parenting programme
helpful.
If more specialist help is needed, you may
refer to the local child and adolescent mental health service (see
our factsheet on Who’s Who in CAMHS). Specialists can help you work
out what the problem might be and suggest practical ways of
helping.
Further information
Family Lives
Parentline offers help and advice to parents
bringing up children and teenagers. Helpline 0808 800 2222.
Patient.co.uk
Website has information and links on various
difficulties and conditions.
Positive Parenting
Organisation has a useful website offering
training, resources and literature.
Young Minds
A charity that offers information to young
people about mental health and emotional well-being.
Further Reading
The Young Mind: an essential guide to mental health for young
adults, parents and teachers. Edited by Bailey, S. and Shooter,
M. (2009)
‘Understanding your child’s behaviour?’
Contact a Family: focusses more on
children with a disability.
References
Jo Douglas (2002): Self help books on
pre-school parenting problems. The Psychiatrist, 26:
78-79.
Kane GA,
Wood VA, Barlow J (2007): Parenting programmes: a systematic
review and synthesis of qualitative research.Child: care, health and development Nov;
33(6):784-93]
Rutter, M. & Taylor, E. (eds) (2008)
'Rutter’s Child and Adolescent Psychiatry' (5th edn).
London: Blackwell Publishing.
Stephen Scott (2008): An update on
interventions for conduct disorder Advances in Psychiatric
Treatment, 14:61-70;
- Revised by the Royal College of
Psychiatrists’ Child and Family Public Education Editorial
Board.
- Series Editor: Dr Vasu Balaguru
- With grateful thanks to Professor Ann Le
Couteur.
This information reflects the best possible evidence at the time
of writing.
© March 2012. Due for review March 2014. Royal College of
Psychiatrists. This leaflet may be downloaded, printed out,
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