Mental health and growing up
factsheets
Good Parenting: information for parents, carers, young people
and anyone who works with them
About this factsheet
This is one in a series of factsheets for parents, teachers
and young people entitled Mental Health and Growing Up.
These aim to provide practical, up-to-date information about mental
health problems (emotional, behavioural and psychiatric disorders)
that can affect children and young people. This factsheet looks at
the reasons behind why it is important to use good parenting skills
from an early age. It also gives practical tips on some of the best
ways to discipline a child, while maintaining a happy, healthy
relationship with them.
Introduction
Parenting is an important part of loving and caring for your
child. Good parenting is about providing a warm, secure home life,
helping your child to learn the rules of life (e.g. how to share,
respecting others, etc.) and to develop good self-esteem. You may
have to stop them from doing things they shouldn't be doing, but it
is just as important to encourage them to do the things you do want
them to do.
Why is parenting important?
Setting limits (rules) are an important part of everyday life.
They make it possible for us to get along with one another. If
children do not learn how to behave, they will find it difficult to
get on, both with grown-ups and with other children. They will find
it hard to learn at school, will misbehave and will probably become
unhappy and frustrated.
What helps?
It is important to make sure that children feel secure, loved
and valued, and that all adults looking after them notice when they
are behaving well. The trick to this is to find strategies that
work well for you and your child. Here are some ideas:
Try to say the same thing each time. Be clear about the rules
you want to stick to. If you don't stick to the rules and give in,
then the next time you try to et limits, your child is likely to
play up even more because they have learned that you will probably
give in.
Let your children know when they have done something well and
when you are pleased with them. Be specific so that the child knows
which behaviour you are wanting to encourage. For example, give
them a hug/a kiss, tell them how great they are doing, and point
out the good behaviour. You need to do this straight away at the
time when you see the behaviour you want to encourage.
It helps if you and your child know the rules for particular
situations before they happen. Don't make them up as you go along
(e.g. if bedtime is 7.00 p.m., make sure you both stick to
it).
Sit down with your child and talk to them about good
behaviour. You might be surprised about how much you both agree
on.
This can be difficult in the heat of the moment, but it does
help if you can be calm and clear with the words you use, for
example "please switch off the TV" or "it's bedtime".
For example "please put your toys away" tells your child
exactly what you want them to do. Simply telling them to "be
good" will not help them to know what behaviour you are
expecting. If your child can't understand you, they
can't co-operate with you. So it is best to keep
instructions brief and positive.
It's no good promising a wonderful reward or threatening to
remove their favourite activity if you cannot keep your word. It is
much better to offer small rewards rather than punishments.
For example "when you have tidied your room, you can have an
ice cream". Don't expect too much too soon. Change usually takes
time. For this reason expect your child to progress in small
steps. So if your child has started to or partly tidied their room,
praise them for what they have done "well done for putting those
toys in the box".
- The importance of your
relationship
When times are difficult, it is easy to forget that you you
are probably already having some nice times together, even when
there are stressful and more difficult times as well. Everybody can
at times feel cross and upset. So try to plan for some good times
together every day or most days. For example, you can plan
to play a game, read together or cook with your child for
10 minutes.
How can it go wrong?
Your own experience of childhood is very important. Even if
you want to do things differently from your own experience, you may
find yourself doing the same with your own children. Or you
find that you are doing the opposite! It is helpful if you can
aim to be as clear and consistent as you can be.
If parents disagree about rules and their expectations for
their children, the children may get mixed up because they don't
know what they are expected to do. They may find that if they ask
each parent/carer the same question, they get different answers. So
whether the parents are together or living in different homes. It
is important, as far as possible, that everyone who cares for the
child agrees on the most important matters and the behaviours they
want to encourage their children to do.
Parenting can be hard work, both physically and emotionally.
It's easy to let things slip if you are stressed, depressed, tired,
very busy or don't have any help looking after your children.
Without consistent encouragement and expectations, children may get
into bad habits.
Where can I get help?
Talking problems over with other parents or friends is often
useful. Talk to your child's teachers, as there may be a similar
problem at school. It will help your child if you and the teachers
can work together to agree on how to tackle the problem. Changing a
child's behaviour is a slow process but it can be done.
You can ask your health visitor, school or practice nurse
for advice. Some parents/carers may find attending their local
family centre or joining a parenting programme helpful. If more
specialist help is needed, you may be referred to the local child
and adolescent mental health service. Specialists can help you work
out what the problem might be and suggest practical ways of
helping.
References
- Rutter M et al (5th edition) Rutter's Child and Adolescent
Psychiatry (2008). Blackwell.
Sources of further information
- Family Lives:
offers help and advice to parents bringing up children and
teenagers. Free Parentline: 0808 800 2222.
- Young
Minds Parents Helpline
for any adult concerned about the emotions and behaviour of a
child or young person. They offer information and professional
advice, via telephone and email. Helpline: 0808 802 5544.
-
Webster Stratton, C. (1992) 'The Incredible Years' - A
Troubleshooting Guidefor Parents of Children Aged
3-8. London: Umbrella Press.
- The Mental Health and Growing Up series contains 36
factsheets on a range of common mental health problems. To order
the pack contact Book Sales at the Royal College of Psychiatrists,
17 Belgrave Square, London SW1X 8PG; tel: 020 7235 2351 ext: 146;
fax: 020 7245 1231; e-mail: booksales@rcpsych.ac.uk or you
can download them from this website
©
September 2011. Royal College of Psychiatrists.
Reviewed by the Royal College of Psychiatrists' Child and Family
Public Education Editorial Board.
This factsheet may be downloaded, printed out, photocopied and
distributed free of charge as long as the Royal College of
Psychiatrists is properly credited and no profit is gained from its
use. Permission to reproduce it in any other way must be obtained
from the Head of
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factsheets on other sites, but allows them to be linked to
directly.
Please note that we are unable to offer advice on individual cases. Please see our FAQ for advice on getting help.
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