“I felt absolutely stunned when I heard that he’d died.
Then I just went numb. Now I just can’t stop wanting to find him –
I feel so wretched.”
Bereavement is the title of a new leaflet from the Royal College
of Psychiatrists’ ‘Help is at Hand’ series.
It is for anyone who has been bereaved, their family and
friends, and anyone who wants to learn more about coping with this
distressing but common experience.
Sooner or later most of us will suffer the death of someone we
love, yet in our everyday life we think and talk about death very
little. Grieving is not just one feeling, but a whole succession of
feelings that take a while to get through and can’t be hurried.
A feeling of being stunned is usually followed by a sense of
emotional numbness. Soon this disappears, to be replaced by a
dreadful sense of agitation, of pining or yearning for the dead
person.
Anger often follows, perhaps towards people who the bereaved
person feels did not prevent the death, or even towards the one who
has, by dying, left them. Another common feeling is guilt.
These states of agitation are usually strongest about 2 weeks
after the death, but are soon followed by times of quiet sadness or
depression, withdrawal and silence, reaching their peak between 4
and 6 weeks later. During this time the bereaved person spends much
time thinking about the person they have lost – an essential part
of coming to terms with the death.
For bereaved partners there are constant reminders of their new
singleness, in seeing other couples together, and media images of
happy families. After some time it is possible to feel whole again,
although the sense of having lost a part of oneself never goes away
entirely.
These various stages of mourning often overlap, and show
themselves in different ways in different people. Most recover from
a major bereavement in 1 or 2 years.
Children and young people grieve and feel distress when someone
close dies, and they should not be overlooked when a family is
bereaved. Young people may not speak of their feelings for fear of
adding extra burdens to the grown-ups around them.
People from different cultures deal with death in their own
distinctive ways; and in some communities death is seen as just one
step in the continuous cycle of life and death.
Bereavement makes suggestions about how friends and relatives
can help, such as spending time with the bereaved person, and
allowing them to cry and talk about their feelings. Anniversaries
are particularly painful times, and friends and relatives can make
a special effort to be around.
Practical help with cleaning, shopping or looking after the
children can ease the burden of being alone. Elderly bereaved
partners may need help with the tasks that the other used to handle
– coping with bills, cooking, getting the car serviced and so
on.
The leaflet offers advice on helping someone whose grief is
unresolved, or who gets ‘stuck’ at one of the stages of grieving,
or even becomes so depressed that they contemplate suicide.
Sometimes it may be necessary to consult the doctor if serious
depression or sleep problems arise.
The leaflet also lists sources of support and advice and
recommends some helpful books to read, as well as an audiotape.
For further information, please contact Liz Fox or Deborah
Hart in the Communications Department.
Telephone: 020 7235 2351 Extensions. 6298 or 6127
Note to editors:
Bereavement is available free with a stamped addressed envelope from the Royal College of Psychiatrists, 17 Belgrave Square, London SW1X 8PG. It can also, with a wide range of other materials, be downloaded from their website www.rcpsych.ac.uk/info