This site uses cookies: Find out more

Okay, thanks
User content image
Play
Royal College of Psychiatrists - Logo
SKIP NAVIGATION
  • SKIP NAVIGATION
  • About the College
  • News and features
  • International
Logout MY CONTENT 
Login
DONATE
Search
  • Become a psychiatrist

    Become a psychiatrist

    • Choose Psychiatry

      Choose Psychiatry

      • What is psychiatry?
      • How to become a psychiatrist
      • Why choose psychiatry?
      • What next?
      • On a break from training?
      • Choose Psychiatry 2021 video
      • Continuing to choose psychiatry
      • Hear more from the stars of our 2022 film
    • Sixth formers and school students
    • Medical students

      Medical students

      • Becoming a student associate
      • Psychiatry attachments
      • Awards, prizes and bursaries
      • PsychSocs
      • National Student Psychiatry Conference
      • Summer and autumn schools
      • FuturePsych – the student associate magazine
      • The Student Psychiatry Audit and Research Collaborative (SPARC)
    • Foundation doctors

      Foundation doctors

      • Foundation doctor associates
      • Making the most of your psychiatry placement
      • Opportunities for foundation doctors
      • FuturePsych - the associate magazine
    • Help us promote psychiatry

      Help us promote psychiatry

      • How can I help?
      • Ideas to inspire you
      • Resources to help you promote psychiatry
      • RCPsych Recruitment Strategy 2022-2027
    • Choose Psychiatry: Guidance for Medical Schools
    • Supporting Medical Students: Medical Schools
    • Careers past events
    • Choose Psychiatry
      • What is psychiatry?
      • How to become a psychiatrist
      • Why choose psychiatry?
      • What next?
      • On a break from training?
      • Choose Psychiatry 2021 video
      • Continuing to choose psychiatry
      • Hear more from the stars of our 2022 film
    • Sixth formers and school students
    • Medical students
      • Becoming a student associate
      • Psychiatry attachments
      • Awards, prizes and bursaries
      • PsychSocs
      • National Student Psychiatry Conference
      • Summer and autumn schools
      • FuturePsych – the student associate magazine
      • The Student Psychiatry Audit and Research Collaborative (SPARC)
    • Foundation doctors
      • Foundation doctor associates
      • Making the most of your psychiatry placement
      • Opportunities for foundation doctors
      • FuturePsych - the associate magazine
    • Help us promote psychiatry
      • How can I help?
      • Ideas to inspire you
      • Resources to help you promote psychiatry
      • RCPsych Recruitment Strategy 2022-2027
    • Choose Psychiatry: Guidance for Medical Schools
    • Supporting Medical Students: Medical Schools
    • Careers past events
  • Training

    Training

    • Curricula and guidance

      Curricula and guidance

      • 2022 Curricula Implementation Hub
      • 2014 GMC approved curricula (ending July 2024)
      • Specialty guides
      • Dual Training
    • Your training

      Your training

      • Psychiatric Trainees Committee: supporting you
      • Time out of training
      • Training resources
      • Run-through training
      • Prizes and bursaries for trainees
      • Training less than full time
      • Routes to Registration
      • Cost of Training
      • Leadership and Management Fellow Scheme
      • Understanding Career Choices in Psychiatry
    • Exams

      Exams

      • Can I take an exam?
      • Contact the exams team
      • Preparing for exams
      • Applying for your exam
      • Exam results
      • Special notices
      • Exam FAQs
      • A fair exam
      • Examiners and exam panels recruitment
      • FAQs about applying for exams
      • FAQs about preparing for exams
      • FAQs about the day of the exam
      • FAQs about assessment and results
      • Exams news and updates
    • Neuroscience in training

      Neuroscience in training

      • About the project
      • Neuroscience events
      • Who was on the commission?
      • Neuroscience history
      • Neuroscience resources
      • Multimedia learning
    • Deanery/LETB Hub
    • Medical training initiative (MTI)
    • Undergraduate education forum
    • International Medical Graduates

      International Medical Graduates

      • Shortage Occupation List
    • Quality Assurance in Training
    • Credentialing
    • CPD eLearning
    • Building Capacity in Perinatal Psychiatry

      Building Capacity in Perinatal Psychiatry

      • Perinatal 2023 Masterclass Programme application and process details
      • Perinatal Psychiatry Masterclass for New consultants resources
      • About the Building Capacity Project
      • Perinatal Psychiatry Masterclass for Senior Trainees resources
      • Perinatal Psychiatry Top - up masterclass for consultants resources
      • Perinatal Psychiatry Masterclass for Senior Trainees Jan 2023 resources
    • Dean's annual update
    • Curricula and guidance
      • 2022 Curricula Implementation Hub
      • 2014 GMC approved curricula (ending July 2024)
      • Specialty guides
      • Dual Training
    • Your training
      • Psychiatric Trainees Committee: supporting you
      • Time out of training
      • Training resources
      • Run-through training
      • Prizes and bursaries for trainees
      • Training less than full time
      • Routes to Registration
      • Cost of Training
      • Leadership and Management Fellow Scheme
      • Understanding Career Choices in Psychiatry
    • Exams
      • Can I take an exam?
      • Contact the exams team
      • Preparing for exams
      • Applying for your exam
      • Exam results
      • Special notices
      • Exam FAQs
      • A fair exam
      • Examiners and exam panels recruitment
      • FAQs about applying for exams
      • FAQs about preparing for exams
      • FAQs about the day of the exam
      • FAQs about assessment and results
      • Exams news and updates
    • Neuroscience in training
      • About the project
      • Neuroscience events
      • Who was on the commission?
      • Neuroscience history
      • Neuroscience resources
      • Multimedia learning
    • Deanery/LETB Hub
    • Medical training initiative (MTI)
    • Undergraduate education forum
    • International Medical Graduates
      • Shortage Occupation List
    • Quality Assurance in Training
    • Credentialing
    • CPD eLearning
    • Building Capacity in Perinatal Psychiatry
      • Perinatal 2023 Masterclass Programme application and process details
      • Perinatal Psychiatry Masterclass for New consultants resources
      • About the Building Capacity Project
      • Perinatal Psychiatry Masterclass for Senior Trainees resources
      • Perinatal Psychiatry Top - up masterclass for consultants resources
      • Perinatal Psychiatry Masterclass for Senior Trainees Jan 2023 resources
    • Dean's annual update
  • Members

    Members

    • Workforce Wellbeing Hub

      Workforce Wellbeing Hub

      • Psychiatrists' Support Service
      • How the College supports workforce wellbeing
      • Top 10 tips for wellbeing
      • Mentoring and coaching
      • If a patient dies by suicide
      • If a patient commits homicide
    • Supporting your professional development

      Supporting your professional development

      • New consultants (StartWell)
      • Revalidation
      • Assessing and managing risk of patients causing harm
      • Leadership and management
      • Working less than full time
      • Writing clinic letters
    • CPD eLearning
    • Submitting your CPD

      Submitting your CPD

      • Alterations to CPD during coronavirus pandemic
    • Membership

      Membership

      • Members login
      • Receipts
      • Pay Your Subscription
      • Direct Debit
      • Your subscription
      • Grades of membership
      • Benefits of membership
      • Fellowship and other Honours
      • Applying for Fellowship
      • Nominations for Honorary Fellows
      • Nominations for National Honours
    • Your Faculties

      Your Faculties

      • Academic psychiatry
      • Addictions psychiatry
      • Child and adolescent psychiatry
      • Eating disorders psychiatry
      • Forensic Psychiatry Faculty
      • General adult psychiatry
      • Intellectual disability psychiatry faculty
      • Liaison psychiatry faculty
      • Medical psychotherapy faculty
      • Neuropsychiatry faculty
      • Old age psychiatry faculty
      • Perinatal psychiatry faculty
      • Rehabilitation and social psychiatry faculty
      • Faculty job descriptions
    • Specialist and Associate Specialty Doctors

      Specialist and Associate Specialty Doctors

      • A message from the Chair
      • Who are SAS Doctors?
      • How to enter the SAS grade
      • SAS career development
      • SAS doctors resources
      • College SAS training and events
      • Startwell and Staywell
    • Devolved Nations

      Devolved Nations

      • RCPsych in Scotland
      • RCPsych in Wales
      • Coleg Cymraeg
      • RCPsych in Northern Ireland
      • Executive Committee job descriptions
    • English Divisions

      English Divisions

      • Eastern
      • London
      • Northern and Yorkshire
      • North West
      • South Eastern
      • Trent
      • West Midlands
      • South West
      • Executive Committee job descriptions
      • NW and NY mentorship
    • International members
    • Special Interest Groups

      Special Interest Groups

      • How to join a SIG
      • Adolescent forensic psychiatry
      • Arts psychiatry
      • Digital psychiatry
      • Evolutionary psychiatry
      • History of psychiatry
      • Neurodevelopmental psychiatry
      • Occupational psychiatry
      • Philosophy
      • Private and independent practice PIPSIG
      • Rainbow SIG
      • Spirituality and Psychiatry 
      • Sport and exercise psychiatry (SEPSIG)
      • Transcultural psychiatry
      • Volunteering and international
      • Women and mental health
    • Committees of Council
    • RCPsych Insight magazine
    • Publications and books
    • Members' eNewsletters
    • Posts for members
    • Public members list
    • Jobs board
    • President's lectures

      President's lectures

      • Declaration of competing interests (President's lectures)
      • List of president's lectures competing interests
      • Past President's lectures
    • Retired members
    • New Members Ceremonies
    • Obituaries

      Obituaries

      • Submit an obituary
      • Remembering Dame Fiona Caldicott
    • 2021 membership survey
    • Mindmasters quiz

      Mindmasters quiz

      • About the quiz
      • Who won in 2022?
      • The rules of the quiz
      • Sample quiz questions 
    • eLearning Hub
    • Workforce Wellbeing Hub
      • Psychiatrists' Support Service
      • How the College supports workforce wellbeing
      • Top 10 tips for wellbeing
      • Mentoring and coaching
      • If a patient dies by suicide
      • If a patient commits homicide
    • Supporting your professional development
      • New consultants (StartWell)
      • Revalidation
      • Assessing and managing risk of patients causing harm
      • Leadership and management
      • Working less than full time
      • Writing clinic letters
    • CPD eLearning
    • Submitting your CPD
      • Alterations to CPD during coronavirus pandemic
    • Membership
      • Members login
      • Receipts
      • Pay Your Subscription
      • Direct Debit
      • Your subscription
      • Grades of membership
      • Benefits of membership
      • Fellowship and other Honours
      • Applying for Fellowship
      • Nominations for Honorary Fellows
      • Nominations for National Honours
    • Your Faculties
      • Academic psychiatry
      • Addictions psychiatry
      • Child and adolescent psychiatry
      • Eating disorders psychiatry
      • Forensic Psychiatry Faculty
      • General adult psychiatry
      • Intellectual disability psychiatry faculty
      • Liaison psychiatry faculty
      • Medical psychotherapy faculty
      • Neuropsychiatry faculty
      • Old age psychiatry faculty
      • Perinatal psychiatry faculty
      • Rehabilitation and social psychiatry faculty
      • Faculty job descriptions
    • Specialist and Associate Specialty Doctors
      • A message from the Chair
      • Who are SAS Doctors?
      • How to enter the SAS grade
      • SAS career development
      • SAS doctors resources
      • College SAS training and events
      • Startwell and Staywell
    • Devolved Nations
      • RCPsych in Scotland
      • RCPsych in Wales
      • Coleg Cymraeg
      • RCPsych in Northern Ireland
      • Executive Committee job descriptions
    • English Divisions
      • Eastern
      • London
      • Northern and Yorkshire
      • North West
      • South Eastern
      • Trent
      • West Midlands
      • South West
      • Executive Committee job descriptions
      • NW and NY mentorship
    • International members
    • Special Interest Groups
      • How to join a SIG
      • Adolescent forensic psychiatry
      • Arts psychiatry
      • Digital psychiatry
      • Evolutionary psychiatry
      • History of psychiatry
      • Neurodevelopmental psychiatry
      • Occupational psychiatry
      • Philosophy
      • Private and independent practice PIPSIG
      • Rainbow SIG
      • Spirituality and Psychiatry 
      • Sport and exercise psychiatry (SEPSIG)
      • Transcultural psychiatry
      • Volunteering and international
      • Women and mental health
    • Committees of Council
    • RCPsych Insight magazine
    • Publications and books
    • Members' eNewsletters
    • Posts for members
    • Public members list
    • Jobs board
    • President's lectures
      • Declaration of competing interests (President's lectures)
      • List of president's lectures competing interests
      • Past President's lectures
    • Retired members
    • New Members Ceremonies
    • Obituaries
      • Submit an obituary
      • Remembering Dame Fiona Caldicott
    • 2021 membership survey
    • Mindmasters quiz
      • About the quiz
      • Who won in 2022?
      • The rules of the quiz
      • Sample quiz questions 
    • eLearning Hub
  • Events

    Events

    • Conferences and training events

      Conferences and training events

      • Register your interest - CESR in Psychiatry Training
      • MHA Section 12 and Approved Clinician Training
      • Register your interest - Present State Examination Course 2022
      • Subscribe to receive the Events eNews
      • Register your interest - ICD-11 events
      • RCPsych Certificated Courses
      • Grand Rounds
    • International Congress 2022

      International Congress 2022

      • Congress 2022 FAQs
      • Congress Webinar Package
      • Poster Presentations 2022
      • Exhibition Opportunities 2022
      • Your guide to Congress
      • IC22 Keynote speakers
      • Programme
      • Speaker information
      • Travel and accommodation guidance 
      • Social and Fringe Events
      • #RCPsychIC
      • Rapid Fire and Poster Prize Winners
    • International Congress 2023

      International Congress 2023

      • Register your interest - Congress 2023 exhibitors
      • Travel and accommodation guidance 
      • Registration
      • Congress 2023 FAQs
      • Poster Presentations 2023
    • In-house training

      In-house training

      • In house training: working with us
      • Health of Nation Outcome Scales
      • Competing interests
    • Events held by other organisations
    • Free webinars

      Free webinars

      • Free webinars for members
    • Recruitment events
    • Claiming Expenses
    • Terms and conditions
    • Speaker guidance for online events
    • Conferences and training events
      • Register your interest - CESR in Psychiatry Training
      • MHA Section 12 and Approved Clinician Training
      • Register your interest - Present State Examination Course 2022
      • Subscribe to receive the Events eNews
      • Register your interest - ICD-11 events
      • RCPsych Certificated Courses
      • Grand Rounds
    • International Congress 2022
      • Congress 2022 FAQs
      • Congress Webinar Package
      • Poster Presentations 2022
      • Exhibition Opportunities 2022
      • Your guide to Congress
      • IC22 Keynote speakers
      • Programme
      • Speaker information
      • Travel and accommodation guidance 
      • Social and Fringe Events
      • #RCPsychIC
      • Rapid Fire and Poster Prize Winners
    • International Congress 2023
      • Register your interest - Congress 2023 exhibitors
      • Travel and accommodation guidance 
      • Registration
      • Congress 2023 FAQs
      • Poster Presentations 2023
    • In-house training
      • In house training: working with us
      • Health of Nation Outcome Scales
      • Competing interests
    • Events held by other organisations
    • Free webinars
      • Free webinars for members
    • Recruitment events
    • Claiming Expenses
    • Terms and conditions
    • Speaker guidance for online events
  • Improving care

    Improving care

    • College Centre for Quality Improvement (CCQI)

      College Centre for Quality Improvement (CCQI)

      • What we do in the CCQI
      • Quality Networks and Accreditation
      • National Clinical Audits
      • Multi-source feedback
      • CCQI resources
      • CCQI Who we are
      • Research and evaluation
      • CCQI news
    • Campaigning for better mental health policy

      Campaigning for better mental health policy

      • Five Year Forward View
      • Integrated care and mental health
      • Children and young people's mental health Green Paper
      • Cross-government mental health and wellbeing plan 
      • RCPsych in Parliament
      • Join our Research Panel
      • College Reports
      • Position Statements
      • Process for College publications
      • Other policy areas
      • Mental Health Watch
      • COVID-19: Guidance for clinicians
      • Reforming The Mental Health Act
      • Don't overlook mental health campaign
      • The Mental Health Policy Group (MHPG)
    • Planning the psychiatric workforce

      Planning the psychiatric workforce

      • About workforce
      • Job planning and recruitment
      • Our workforce census
      • Campaigning for the mental health workforce of the future
      • Workforce strategy
      • Job description approval process
    • Public Mental Health Implementation Centre

      Public Mental Health Implementation Centre

      • Our partners and first partnership activity 
      • How to work with the Public Mental Health Implementation Centre
      • Who's involved in the Public Mental Health Implementation Centre?
      • Aims and objectives
      • Reports
      • About public mental health
      • PMHIC Parliamentary Launch 
    • National Collaborating Centre for Mental Health

      National Collaborating Centre for Mental Health

      • About NCCMH and our work
      • Clinical guideline development
      • Competence frameworks
      • Quality improvement programmes
      • Reports and research
      • Service design and development
      • Work with us
    • Physician Associates

      Physician Associates

      • About Physician Associates
      • Employing Physician Associates
      • Becoming a Physician Associate
      • Support for Physician Associates
      • Physician Associates network
      • The Competence Framework for Physician Associates in Mental Health
    • Invited Review Service
    • Public Health and its role in mental heath
    • Sustainability and mental health

      Sustainability and mental health

      • In your community
      • In your practice
      • In your trust
      • Nature matters
      • Sustainability scholars
      • About sustainability in mental health care
      • Sustainability resources
      • College position on sustainability
      • Attending COP26
    • Using quality improvement
    • College Centre for Quality Improvement (CCQI)
      • What we do in the CCQI
      • Quality Networks and Accreditation
      • National Clinical Audits
      • Multi-source feedback
      • CCQI resources
      • CCQI Who we are
      • Research and evaluation
      • CCQI news
    • Campaigning for better mental health policy
      • Five Year Forward View
      • Integrated care and mental health
      • Children and young people's mental health Green Paper
      • Cross-government mental health and wellbeing plan 
      • RCPsych in Parliament
      • Join our Research Panel
      • College Reports
      • Position Statements
      • Process for College publications
      • Other policy areas
      • Mental Health Watch
      • COVID-19: Guidance for clinicians
      • Reforming The Mental Health Act
      • Don't overlook mental health campaign
      • The Mental Health Policy Group (MHPG)
    • Planning the psychiatric workforce
      • About workforce
      • Job planning and recruitment
      • Our workforce census
      • Campaigning for the mental health workforce of the future
      • Workforce strategy
      • Job description approval process
    • Public Mental Health Implementation Centre
      • Our partners and first partnership activity 
      • How to work with the Public Mental Health Implementation Centre
      • Who's involved in the Public Mental Health Implementation Centre?
      • Aims and objectives
      • Reports
      • About public mental health
      • PMHIC Parliamentary Launch 
    • National Collaborating Centre for Mental Health
      • About NCCMH and our work
      • Clinical guideline development
      • Competence frameworks
      • Quality improvement programmes
      • Reports and research
      • Service design and development
      • Work with us
    • Physician Associates
      • About Physician Associates
      • Employing Physician Associates
      • Becoming a Physician Associate
      • Support for Physician Associates
      • Physician Associates network
      • The Competence Framework for Physician Associates in Mental Health
    • Invited Review Service
    • Public Health and its role in mental heath
    • Sustainability and mental health
      • In your community
      • In your practice
      • In your trust
      • Nature matters
      • Sustainability scholars
      • About sustainability in mental health care
      • Sustainability resources
      • College position on sustainability
      • Attending COP26
    • Using quality improvement
  • Mental health

    Mental health

    • Problems and disorders

      Problems and disorders

      • ADHD in adults
      • Alcohol and depression
      • Alcohol and older people
      • Anorexia and bulimia
      • Anxiety and generalised anxiety disorder (GAD)
      • Anxiety, panic and phobias
      • Bereavement
      • Bipolar disorder
      • Cannabis
      • Catatonia
      • Club drugs
      • Coping after a traumatic event
      • Debt and mental health
      • Delirium
      • Depression
      • Depression in older adults
      • Feeling overwhelmed
      • Gambling disorder
      • Heroin dependence
      • Hoarding
      • Learning disabilities
      • Medically unexplained symptoms
      • Memory problems and dementia
      • Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD)
      • Perinatal OCD
      • Perinatal OCD for carers
      • Personality disorder
      • Physical illness
      • Postnatal depression
      • Postnatal depression key facts
      • Postnatal depression: information for carers
      • Postpartum psychosis
      • Postpartum Psychosis in Carers
      • Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) 
      • Schizoaffective disorder
      • Schizophrenia
      • Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)
      • Self-harm
      • Shyness and social phobia
      • Sleeping well
      • Avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder (ARFID)
      • Cocaine dependence
    • Support, care and treatment

      Support, care and treatment

      • Alzheimers drug treatments
      • Antidepressants
      • Antipsychotics
      • Antipsychotics in pregnancy
      • Being sectioned
      • Benzodiazepines
      • Children's social services and safeguarding
      • Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)
      • Complementary and alternative medicines: herbal remedies
      • Complementary and alternative medicines: physical treatments
      • Depot medication
      • Deprivation of Liberty Safeguards
      • Electroconvulsive therapy (ECT)
      • Guide to mental health tribunals
      • Liaison psychiatry services
      • Lithium in pregnancy and breastfeeding
      • Mental capacity and the law
      • Mental health in pregnancy
      • Mental health rehabilitation services
      • Mental health services and teams in the community
      • Mother and baby units (MBUs)
      • Neuromodulation
      • Perinatal mental health services: what are they?
      • Planning a pregnancy
      • Psychotherapies and psychological treatments
      • Social prescribing
      • Spirituality and mental health
      • Stopping antidepressants
      • Valproate in women and girls who could get pregnant
      • What to expect of your psychiatrist in the UK
      • COVID-19: Medication for mental health
      • COVID-19: Remote consultations
      • COVID-19: Going to hospital for a physical illness or injury
      • COVID-19: Eating disorders
      • COVID-19: Perinatal care
      • Hypnosis and hypnotherapy
      • Benefits, financial support and debt advice
    • Young people's mental health
    • Translations

      Translations

      • Arabic عربى
      • Bengali বাঙালি
      • Bulgarian български
      • Chinese 中文
      • French Français
      • German Deutsch
      • Greek Ελληνική γλώσσα
      • Gujurati ગુજરાતી
      • Hindi हिंदीहिंदी
      • Italian italiano
      • Japanese 日本語
      • Lithuanian Lietuvių kalba
      • Pashto پښتو
      • Persian (Farsi) فارسی
      • Polish Polski
      • Punjabi ਪੰਜਾਬੀ
      • Romanian Română
      • Russian Pусский
      • Somali
      • Spanish Español
      • Turkish
      • Tamil தமிழ்
      • Urdu اردو
      • Welsh Cymraeg
      • Sindhi سنڌي
      • Ukrainian украї́нська
      • Swahili Kiswahili
    • Mental health and psychiatry FAQs
    • Order mental health leaflets
    • About our mental health information
    • Disclaimer about our mental health information
    • Choosing Wisely - a national campaign
    • BSL translations
    • MindEd – free mental health eLearning
    • Order mental health packs for schools

      Order mental health packs for schools

      • Order form for mental health factsheets for young people
    • Audio resources
    • Veterans' mental health
    • Suicide resources
    • Problems and disorders
      • ADHD in adults
      • Alcohol and depression
      • Alcohol and older people
      • Anorexia and bulimia
      • Anxiety and generalised anxiety disorder (GAD)
      • Anxiety, panic and phobias
      • Bereavement
      • Bipolar disorder
      • Cannabis
      • Catatonia
      • Club drugs
      • Coping after a traumatic event
      • Debt and mental health
      • Delirium
      • Depression
      • Depression in older adults
      • Feeling overwhelmed
      • Gambling disorder
      • Heroin dependence
      • Hoarding
      • Learning disabilities
      • Medically unexplained symptoms
      • Memory problems and dementia
      • Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD)
      • Perinatal OCD
      • Perinatal OCD for carers
      • Personality disorder
      • Physical illness
      • Postnatal depression
      • Postnatal depression key facts
      • Postnatal depression: information for carers
      • Postpartum psychosis
      • Postpartum Psychosis in Carers
      • Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) 
      • Schizoaffective disorder
      • Schizophrenia
      • Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD)
      • Self-harm
      • Shyness and social phobia
      • Sleeping well
      • Avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder (ARFID)
      • Cocaine dependence
    • Support, care and treatment
      • Alzheimers drug treatments
      • Antidepressants
      • Antipsychotics
      • Antipsychotics in pregnancy
      • Being sectioned
      • Benzodiazepines
      • Children's social services and safeguarding
      • Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)
      • Complementary and alternative medicines: herbal remedies
      • Complementary and alternative medicines: physical treatments
      • Depot medication
      • Deprivation of Liberty Safeguards
      • Electroconvulsive therapy (ECT)
      • Guide to mental health tribunals
      • Liaison psychiatry services
      • Lithium in pregnancy and breastfeeding
      • Mental capacity and the law
      • Mental health in pregnancy
      • Mental health rehabilitation services
      • Mental health services and teams in the community
      • Mother and baby units (MBUs)
      • Neuromodulation
      • Perinatal mental health services: what are they?
      • Planning a pregnancy
      • Psychotherapies and psychological treatments
      • Social prescribing
      • Spirituality and mental health
      • Stopping antidepressants
      • Valproate in women and girls who could get pregnant
      • What to expect of your psychiatrist in the UK
      • COVID-19: Medication for mental health
      • COVID-19: Remote consultations
      • COVID-19: Going to hospital for a physical illness or injury
      • COVID-19: Eating disorders
      • COVID-19: Perinatal care
      • Hypnosis and hypnotherapy
      • Benefits, financial support and debt advice
    • Young people's mental health
    • Translations
      • Arabic عربى
      • Bengali বাঙালি
      • Bulgarian български
      • Chinese 中文
      • French Français
      • German Deutsch
      • Greek Ελληνική γλώσσα
      • Gujurati ગુજરાતી
      • Hindi हिंदीहिंदी
      • Italian italiano
      • Japanese 日本語
      • Lithuanian Lietuvių kalba
      • Pashto پښتو
      • Persian (Farsi) فارسی
      • Polish Polski
      • Punjabi ਪੰਜਾਬੀ
      • Romanian Română
      • Russian Pусский
      • Somali
      • Spanish Español
      • Turkish
      • Tamil தமிழ்
      • Urdu اردو
      • Welsh Cymraeg
      • Sindhi سنڌي
      • Ukrainian украї́нська
      • Swahili Kiswahili
    • Mental health and psychiatry FAQs
    • Order mental health leaflets
    • About our mental health information
    • Disclaimer about our mental health information
    • Choosing Wisely - a national campaign
    • BSL translations
    • MindEd – free mental health eLearning
    • Order mental health packs for schools
      • Order form for mental health factsheets for young people
    • Audio resources
    • Veterans' mental health
    • Suicide resources
Menu   
  • Home
  • News and features
  • Blogs
Back to Blog

An Outsider’s Inside story - part 2 of 3

Disability, Equality, Diversity and Inclusion blog

23 March, 2022

  • Print this page
  • Share this page
    • facebook
    • twitter
    • linkedin
  • Email this page

<< Continued from part 1

I have often been asked that if I could go back in time and give a message to myself or my caretakers what would it be? I have not answered that before but I will today. To myself, I'll obviously just give the current data about autism and what we know so far and a tape-recorded version of Adele’s "Easy on me" for both myself to listen to and to use for communication purposes.

To my caretakers, just two words "believe me". I have seen many parents laugh at stories children make up or agree with them in patronizing tones. I have seen parents expressing disapproval when they see their child is blatantly "lying". But I have often wondered if they considered the possibility that if seemingly unbelievable stories, were not stories at all. Which they would have known if they considered the possibility for a moment and explored further?

I have always perceived being doubted as a direct attack on my integrity, which I have always excessively valued. My pride and integrity have been interwoven in a strange fashion.

When I used to be watching cartoons and used to "get lost in my world" without realizing someone has changed the channels and be questioned about watching content I was not allowed to. I had no explanation besides repeatedly declaring "I was not".  Similarly, I once told my cousin that I "could hear light". It took courage because I knew it sounded stupid. Even though she did not call me a liar she laughed, even gave it a name: 'Glitters'. I could not answer or explain it properly. But in both scenarios listed, and a few others, I was deeply offended, and my pride did not allow me to share any more with either for precisely 22 years to follow.

I would never have understood, about the light without doubting my sanity had many other autistic people not related similar experiences which are known as 'synaesthesia' in scientific terms which is defined as "a perceptual phenomenon in which stimulation of one sensory or cognitive pathway leads to involuntary experiences in a second sensory or cognitive pathway" according to Cambridge.

Surprisingly it is not a novel term, and a lot of research has been done with the first recorded case attributed to Oxford university in 1690. I have experienced it on numerous occasions, more markedly in stressful situations.  Just like stuttering or being excessively clumsy when anxious.  But let alone parents of young children, How many of us (if any) would have even considered this or tried to rule it out as a possibility had a patient in an acute setting narrated a similar experience?

Now if have given the impression I had strict parents or lack of love. Both are wrong. The restrictions both with regards to my behaviour and my ideas of what is allowed were not imposed by my family, but my own understanding and interpretation of things, ideas and expressions which ( I discovered only recently) had been quite unusual if not wrong. Yes, my mom has been strict in many ways but only to raise me as a good person.

She even gave up on the job she dearly loved to raise me and my brother, and I know she loved it by remembering how happily she used to get ready. For her education came first, so she expressed her love by spending her time thinking about ideas on how to make learning interesting. We did not have Cocomelon back then so she made me cookies in shape of alphabets and numbers, and added colours in them .

Now at that age, I could pick up on the amount of time and effort she was putting in, but I did not see it as an expression of love, I saw it as her wish for me to learn and excel and well, eat. 

So I diligently did both, even when I did not want to. There are many things my mom and I talked about, during and after the assessment where she told me about things I "loved" as a child. Which made me emotional, sad and angry simultaneously. Emotional because she remembered, sad because she had got it wrong. And angry because I never had the courage to tell her the truth, back then or even now.

The truth being,  I never had a sweet tooth or liked cookies. In fact, they were hard sometimes, and too soft at others. I ate them to make her "happy". In fact, even after learning, I would specially request her to make the cookies,  to see her smile when I return the empty plate ( sometimes hiding them outside and LYING I had eaten them) and sometimes purely as a form of connection. Now it sounds like a sweet thing to do for a child right? In fact, some of you might have reacted with an "aww" if I was narrating the story in person. But it was not that simple.

Because all this time my mom was going an extra mile for me, I was doing her "a favour", with a strange resentment building inside slowly. What I really wanted was for her to just be with me, by my side always like nana. And she would have gladly done that had I asked, but I never did because in my head it was "wrong". Anything without a "point" or being "productive" was not justified in my head, so no matter how much I wanted it I could never openly ask.

I made things more difficult by not being able to communicate what "love" I wanted because I remember getting a kiss on my head often. That did not feel good. My head and hair have been a marked territory to date, that was reserved only for my nana. Now anyone who has spent a lot of time with me knows that including my best friends that even though I can be extremely clingy, love cuddles and hugs,  but touch my head, and face my wrath.

My wrath being an annoyed "NO!" or doing something that makes you equally uncomfortable. 

Similarly, the only time I have experienced jealousy was the effortlessness with which my younger brother could connect with my mom and do what I had been trying for a long time with such ease and entitlement. I am not talking about a unique talent, in fact, something I have seen many children do, he used to hold and feel mama’s hair before sleeping. Now my mom had never stopped me from doing that, in fact, she had plenty of hair and long enough for both of us to use.

I have spent nights experimenting, as both she and my brother slept thinking I am asleep too. While I was trying to make myself like the texture of hair and somehow procure that sense of connection through them. I could not. I even tried taking out the hair from my brother’s hand slowly without waking him up so that I could see if having all of the hair to myself would make a difference? It did not.  

I kept my mom up for a long time though, asking her to tell me stories, the same three stories every night sometimes more than once a night. The cruellest bit was that It was very important for me, that she be looking at me directly and would turn her face with my hands every time she moved it an inch.  Sometimes she would fall asleep and I would keep on waking her up until the story was complete. After that, I would watch her sleep,  think about how could one possibly milk, liquid gold out of a goat that one of the characters in the stories did. And fall asleep on the other side.

I had a pretty ordinary school life, I had my share of problems, and my share of good memories but they were never problems I could identify because I never understood they were. When someone wanted to take my lunch I took it as a sign of endearment and happily gave it. I created some problems for others though and only a few months ago understood why I was not liked by my peers in school except my best friends and their families in primary school but adored by teachers.

Most of those problems rose from my urge to restore the balance in the world by "doing the right" thing and taking things literally. It was not until O-levels when a classmate clearly whispered to me what I was supposed to do/say to the teacher when she asked me about who rubbed the board when I realized the power of withholding the truth. It went so successfully that I still stick to it unless there is no other option, and it is harmful for someone.

I later became absolutely pro at mediating arguments and fitting in to literally any environment by virtue of my learning and noticing details. It helped my friends a lot later, in a variety of scenarios but as far as my own conflicts were concerned, I still acted with the same naivety of a seven-year-old who would need “an adult “who knew them to interfere and present their case to the other party. It was difficult to understand vague concepts like “space”  because my definitions were different. So were the measures when it came to things like success and investments. But the most difficult part always has been letting go without understanding or until it “makes sense”. 

Continued in part 3 >>

 

Blog Author
Dr Tahleel Javed

Previous post Next post
  • Mental health
  • Members
  • Improving care
  • About the College
  • News and features
  • Contact the College
  • Work for us
  • Jobs Board for Members
  • Data protection
  • Disclaimer
  • Permissions
  • Web accessibility
SEE MAP

London Office
21 Prescot Street London E1 8BB
0208 618 4000

stonewall-silver-logo-small

disability-confident-logo-small

european-diversity-awards-winner-charity-of-the-year-badge-small

memcom-best-edi-campaign-winner-2022-small

Royal College of Psychiatrists

© 2023 Royal College of Psychiatrists.

Registered charity no. 228636 (England and Wales)

Charity registration no. SC038369 (Scotland)

  • Become a psychiatrist
  • Training
  • Events
  • Facebook
  • Twitter
  • YouTube
  • LinkedIn
  • Instagram